2004-03-04

Rambling On and On

I am all colors of a mess tonight. I didn't have a very good day at work. I didn't have a very good conversation with my ex. It's just not been a very good day all around.

My ex tells me that he is "surprised (I) have found someone to put up with (my) emotional bullshit". Yes, he used those words. Is it really emotional bullshit? I let this pretty much ruin my whole day, so I guess that is pretty much bullshit. The scary thing to me is that I loved this man once upon a time. I planned on being an old lady with him. I had a child with him. And I thought that he loved me, but come to find out he was just scared about being alone... about never having children... about never knowing what it's like to be loved by someone. So he settled for me. Why does this upset me so much? He's an asshole to me now with only bits of kindness thrown in to prove to the rest of the world that he really isn't an asshole.

And what about Carl? Does he think it's emotional bullshit, too? CAN he put up with it? Kind of scared to know the answer to that question, but that usually means it's a pretty important one, doesn't it? Am I so insecure that just because he wants to wait until Saturday to come over that I think he might be having second thoughts? Part of me finds that thought preposertous, but another part is ashamed to admit that yes the thought does enter my mind.

The cycle of fear of the past manifesting itself in the present I think... I think that's it. And the right kind of supportive, sensitive partner will show me that the past is just that.. the past... and just because it has happened to me before with others doesn't mean it has to or will happen to me again now.

Okay, enough of that. I just had to get it out. Thanks for the ear.

kellbelle at 8:25 p.m.

previous | next