2005-04-11

This is my 4th entry today I think!

The morning went rather quickly, but this afternoon has been a little slow. Only 2 months and 2 weeks to go until the wedding. Everyone keeps asking me if I have cold feet (the divorced people). I think it�s funny. No, I have no cold feet what so ever. I�m really happy with this decision. Carl and I are together all the time now and I still think it�s silly that he doesn�t just start moving stuff over already. He�s paying rent for a space to hold his cat and all his stuff. Really silly. But he doesn�t want his parents to freak out about us living together before we�re married. And honestly I didn�t really want to live together before marrying either, so I guess it�s not as silly as I first thought. He�s respecting my original wishes and respecting Aubrey�s space. I�m glad he�s so thoughtful.

I had a dream the other night it was the night before the wedding. It was the end of the rehearsal dinner and we were saying goodnight. He kissed me and I said �Just think� the next time you kiss me I�ll be your wife.� Talk about soppy and sweet� I woke up teary eyed and all googly. Hehe That�s how this whole experience seems to me. I have never said anything was perfect. But this is really close. He�s the kind of guy I have always wanted and never thought I would find let alone call my own. I�m so lucky.

Finances still worry me. I worry about paying for everything. We were hoping to have everything paid off before the wedding, but I don�t think that�s going to happen. I�m going to suck it up and ask my parents� estate for a loan against my inheritance. I�m not going to ask for a lot. Just a couple hundred to pay off the musicians and some of the flowers. It would make me feel a lot better knowing that some of that was paid off so we weren�t worrying about paying for it on the day.

I�m starting to get excited about the honeymoon, too. I�ve never been on a honeymoon and just the fact that I get one has me really excited. Carl is trying so hard to make this everything that it should be for the both of us. I�m so grateful. I did say that a lot of this stuff wasn�t important to me (the church wedding, the shower, the honeymoon), but that fact that he has cut nothing out means so much to me. He is so thoughtful and both his words and his actions are just totally unbelievable to me.

I was listening to public radio this morning and heard an interview with R*Z*A of the Wu*Tang*Clan. It was pretty interesting. Apparently he�s written a book. One quote that really struck me was �A wise man is a traveling man.� Meaning if you stay in the same neighborhood all your life and never go anywhere to see how other people live (even if it�s just across the border to another state), that you are not really wise about the ways of the world. That struck me for some reason. I�ve always felt a bit of the �wanderer� not really having anywhere I called home because I felt that I didn�t fit in anywhere. Now I finally have a home and wow� who would have thought that all those �homeless� years and all those years of aimless wandering are what have made me wise. That made me feel good about who I am.

It seems that since Carl came along I have done a lot of �unearthing� of the things I have hidden away or buried for so long. Hidden fears�emotions�anger�resentment. I never realized what an angry person I was. I get mad about stuff Aubrey�s dad does and it really makes Carl nervous. He worries for me. And my anger causes a physical reaction in me� so hello� it must be pretty strong. I need to start taking my own advice on that one and Just Breathe!

A little over an hour of work to go. I suppose I should find something to do and get it done. Ciao for now.

kellbelle at 3:11 p.m.

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