2005-04-11

Nice way to start a Monday

It was a fairly quiet weekend. Despite being compared Courtney Love, I wasn't feeling all that "borderline" this weekend. LOL That quiz actually made me get on the internet to search out exactly what the disorder is and to see if the quiz was at all close. Oddly enough, it probably was. I wouldn't say that I'm definitely a borderline personality, but I did see a lot of myself in the symptoms and in the description. Scary.

Symptoms:

Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.

I would say that the going to extremes in thinking, feeling and behavior are somewhat true for me. When my depression hits, I don't want to do anything or be around anyone. I want to sleep all the time. I feel that things just aren't "real" and don't always care about consequences. I'm not suicidal, I'm not prone to shoplifiting, but I do have excessive spending at times which leads me to financial problems which leads me to depression. Viscious circle huh? Fun to be me. LOL

I must say though, that since I have become more aware of myself (through therapy and my journal), I'm not as prone to those feelings as I used to be. I'm also on an antidepressant now, so those desperate feelings are almost nothing these days. Still it's scary to read. But as I read the entire article (I only posted a portion), I know that I've done the right things to make sure that those impulses and feelings don't get out of control.

Nice way to start a Monday, huh? LOL

kellbelle at 8:32 a.m.

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