2005-05-24

Until Now

I thought about something/someone on my way into work today that I haven�t thought of in a long time. First, let me give some background detail.

For eight years I attended Catholic school; from first grade all the way through eighth grade. Until fifth grade we had really old and kind of mean priests. In fifth grade, the church was undergoing some changes. We got two very hip priests. One was older and the other was only 26. I immediately fell in love with the 26 year old. Hehe The older priest was great, too. He had this big, booming, beautiful baritone voice and the older ladies loved his crooning. Anyway, Father Pat (the young one) was really cool. He�d come out at recess and play four square and kickball with us. I was seriously crushing on him. I wasn�t the only one, but I was the only one dumb enough not to know how to hide the fact or not talk about it.

One day this other girl Jill Popularity came over to my house and we made this card for Fr. Pat because he was going off on a retreat with the high school seniors that attended the church. Jill went a little nutso with it and put Secret antiperspirant all over it to make it smell good. She lived right next to the rectory. We walked to her house and on the way slipped the note in the mailbox.

The next day at school was hell. My teacher took me into her room and reamed me a new one telling me that my feelings were inappropriate and such. I was blamed in entirety for the note and placing it in the mailbox. Because who else was weird enough to crush on the priest?? Who else was dumb enough to do something like that when everyone KNEW how much I liked him. It sucked and it broke my heart.

Fr. Pat was volunteer fireman and I had been collecting his pictures from the newspaper, writing in my journal, I had even taken a few pictures of him with my little 110 camera. When the whole crush shakedown happened, I shredded all the newspaper clippings, tore my journal apart and cried a river. The only thing I ever saved was the photographs.

This morning on my way to work they were talking about something that reminded me of a blue bathrobe that I almost got the priest for Christmas. LOL!! Yeah I know. I had $15 that year and had it all planned out about what I was going to buy for everyone.

Years later I still talk to Pat every now and then through email. He once told me that he thought it was really cool that I was his first experience in dealing with a crush. He said I was such a sweet kid. We kept in contact for a long time. He was eventually transferred to the town where I went to college. And no, that�s not why I went to college there (though, I was accused of that many times)! People even speculated that something had actually happened between us and that was why he left our parish. Stupid, really. I was totally ugly hehe.

Such is my life story. Until now I have picked people that were totally unattainable and I would work so hard and give so much of myself just to try and think that they thought I was worthy. I picked a man who couldn�t ever get married first. I picked men waaaayyy older than myself. I even dated a gay guy (of course neither one of us knew he was gay until much later). I picked a guy in Canada. I picked a guy in the UK. I was helplessly wandering. Anyway, I think they were all just safety choices. I didn�t even really know what I wanted or didn�t think that I deserved what I wanted. Until now.

kellbelle at 9:14 a.m.

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