2005-06-02

Lights Across The World

First of all, I want to thank all of you for the sweet notes and emails. They help so much. This is all surreal in a way. I�ve never met Jacqui, but I�ve known her for a long time now. Last night all her friends all over the world lit a candle for her. She is that brilliant light� flickering and dancing and lighting the way for others to follow. Tony told me last night that, originally, her plan was to write each of us a personal letter when she got home from the hospital. After her terrible seizure, I don�t think she is going to have that opportunity. I�m not sure if she�s in a coma or what, but I know that she has not come out of it after having the seizure. I want so badly to call over there to the hospital or to call someone for some sort of news so that I feel in the loop. I hate having to rely on emails to fill me in on how she�s doing.

It�s so strange to me to look at that beautiful picture of her and imagine her sick and in pain. It is impossible for me to imagine not having her anymore. She�s only 45 years old. She has four children� one of them is Aubrey�s age and I can only imagine losing a mother at such a young age. No child should have to endure that.

I did a search on her name last night. She was interviewed several times by her local newspaper for different efforts that she has done for the school. She was on the school board and such. Recently she had a head shaving where she donated all the money earned from the event to the school. The paper interviewed her and asked her how she maintained such a positive attitude.

She was talking about getting breast cancer for the second time. She sat in the hospital parking lot crying and then had to �hurry and get it over with� so she could go pick up her kids from school. Then, when she was receiving her radiation treatments, she was looking at all the kids without hair and actually said a prayer and thanked God for the cancer. She was glad that she had it instead of her children. All the while she was being treated, her mother was dying from pancreatic cancer. She didn�t want her mother to know for obvious reasons. Jacqui cares so much about other people and her friends and family mean the world to her. Her brother also had cancer� his was oral cancer. It�s been all around her at every turn and still she kept smiling, continued laughing and loving. Now you see what I love about this woman.

Get a little wine in her and oh my Lord if you weren�t in for a hailstorm of instant messages full of giggles and jokes and misspelled words! LOL I will never forget the time I went online and sent her a message and she typed something that wasn�t meant for my eyes!! LOL Apparently she and Tony were having a little �hot chat� and some of it ended up in my window!! LOL I gave her such a hard time about that and for the longest time I had the text of that message saved and I would cut and paste it back to her from time to time sending both of us into fits of giggles and red faced laughter.

Jacqui loves music and she and Tony are my biggest fans. I used to sit and play my guitar and sing to them over the internet. They always told me I should become a singer. I think they�re a little nutty for that, but I loved them for their support and faith in me. She even emailed me a song a couple weeks ago that she wants Carl and I to dance to at the wedding. It�s from some old movie that she likes. LOL You KNOW that I have to do it now, don�t you?? LOL

Also, I was talking to Carl last night and we have decided to change the dedication from my dad to �In loving memory of the dearly departed�. That would include Carl�s grandmother, my dad, my friend Joyce and Jacqui without having to name anyone specifically. What do you guys think??

Again, thanks so much for all the kind words and love. It means so much and makes things just that much more bearable. I�m still not quite sure what I feel� I feel a bit cheated really having never met her. I feel terrible sadness for her kids, for her family and her community.

Of course, if you ponder on the conservation of energy, a physicist would tell you that energy is neither created nor destroyed in the universe and so every particle that is Jacqui will remain in the universe. It�s comforting to know that the energy that made her who she is will continue to go on.

Sorry these last few entries have been so Debbie Downer. I just really care about this woman. It�s as if I�m losing my own mother. And not having her emailing me regularly this last week or so has been really strange. Normally I hear from her every day asking about the wedding and the honeymoon. She was planning on mailing Carl and I something and I wonder now if that will get done. It doesn�t matter really, but having something from her would mean the world to me.

kellbelle at 10:36 a.m.

previous | next