2006-03-02
Can't shake the feeling
Sometimes I'm afraid to express to my family and friends the pain that I carry around with me on a daily basis... pain caused by others and pain I bring upon myself in the form of guilt, insecurity or whatever the emotion of the moment might be. Is it wrong to hurt over things that happened so long ago? I always tell people to just let those emotions happen that they are natural progressions of healing. But at the same time I fear how powerful those feelings might be for myself if I let them out. Or more likely... that I will lose some of my own identity should I let all that pain fly. For so long pain was who I was and it was how I knew I was alive. When I suffered so badly from depression, pain was all I had to let me know that I was alive. Life just didn't seem "real" to me unless I was feeling pain or some other kind of emotion. Due to the people I was with at the time, pain was the only accessible emotion and perhaps that was a conscious choice for me at the time.
I'm much happier now, but it startles me sometimes about how much pain I still carry around with me daily. Things hit me out of the blue like a blow to the back of the head when I least expect it. Thoughts of the Canadian still hurt a lot, even though I'm not in love with the guy anymore. I'm angry and hurt for the years I thought I was investing. I'm mad at the way things ended. I'm just hurt all around where that is concerned. I'm angry and hurt about the ex and the way he chose to end his life. I'm hurting because I miss him. I'm hurting because our daughter misses him. I'm mad at the way his family had handled things. I hurt all the time it seems and I fight for it to go away but it hangs on like a bad cold that I need serious medicine to fix. Where do you find that emotional antibiotic when you don't have that emotional health insurance?
I feel rediculous sometimes feeling bad, because I have so much to be thankful for and happy about. I love school and it has saved my sanity. I love my classes and teachers and the life I have now. I just can't seem to shake the pain sometimes.
kellbelle at 9:47 a.m.
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