2006-03-03
More Dreams
I've been having some wild dreams lately. Mostly about my dad and about the ex. I lost four people I love within the last two years and the two that I would like to dream about elude me. I dream about my dad and my ex who were distant to me in life. I knew they cared, but my relationships with them were never quite fulfilled... they were a bit empty. Yet I dream of their visits to me and I wake up angry... telling them that they are not welcome now. They were not there for me when they were alive... why are they hanging around now?? I mean my dad I can understand. He was my father and an important figure in my life. And whether it's my subconscious comforting me that he's watching over me or if it's his spirit letting me know he's watching out for me... it didn't give me much comfort when he was alive... why now??
My ex... is he around to make me feel guilt and sadness and feelings that make me suffer? Or is he also watching out for me? Letting me know he's got my back? I don't want him there. I don't want him in my life anymore. I want him to go wherever it is that he behlongs in his afterlife. He didn't believe in God... is he wandering the world looking for where he's supposed ot go? Fuck it bugs the hell out of me sometimes.
The two people I would like to dream about are Jacqui and Joyce. They were mothers to me. I loved them so much. Not that I haven't thought of them recently, but when I was thinking about how I haven't had a dream or anything about them it made me realize how much I miss them.
I think all this crap I'm carrying around that comes out of the blue isn't just about my ex and his suicide. I have these feelings for four people that I loved and cared about. Four people who touched my life... two men and two women... parental figures in one way or another. It's hard enough losing a parent... I feel I've lost several sometimes. Joyce and Jacqui... you are missed so much and loved and I only hope that you can look down and be proud of the things I do to try and help other people. All I ask for now is some peace and comfort.
kellbelle at 8:04 a.m.
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