2005-12-01

Little Things

Today I'm struck with the enormity of my emotions. Is it the holiday season? Is it having a real family and a home this Christmas? Is it that I'm just an unbelievable sap? Uhhh yeah all of the above I think. On top of all that, I'm having moments of remembering my ex from time to time and it's hard. I just want to cry it all away and it never seems to go away.

I went to Aubrey's school music program this morning. I stopped into the counselor's office to talk to her about Aubrey for a bit. She says that Aubrey seems to be doing really wonderful. I was glad to hear that. We chatted a bit about my relationship with the ex's family and everything that's been going on. It made me feel better. The counselor told me something that made me laugh. She said that as much as you would like to hear things that you need to hear, things never get any easier. Of course she's talking about dealing with the ex's death, but it's true in life. The older we get, the more difficult things seem to become.

It makes sense... the older you get the more attachments you have to people through relationships (family, children, friends, acquaintences)and things going on in your life. You have way more to remember and, unfortunately, regret. LOL But as I told the counselor, I try not to think of things I've done as mistakes. They were poor choices that just happened to shape me into the person I am today. If I had made the "right" choice back then... I might not be who I am today. I might not have Carl or Aubrey or even be in Texas. That made her smile.

I've been feeling really guilty about not doing more around the house lately. I'm home all day afterall and most of the time I'm here on the computer or doing stuff for Girl Scouts. I do the laundry and I cook dinner almost every night, but I don't always feel like emptying the dishwasher or mopping the floors or whatever. Carl came home last night and got after the pool while I made dinner. After cooking everything and cleaning up as I went, I said "Well, I made dinner so you guys can clean up." They did, but then Carl kept right on going with other stuff... and he seemed miffed about it in some way. I began to wonder if he's pissed about me not doing more around the house.

He sat next to me on the couch, obviously something bothering him. I asked what was wrong and he said "Just stuff". Me... being nonconfrontational... chose that time to go find something else to do because I was afraid he was going to get onto me about the house. LOL Am I good or what? Anyway... Carl is very sweet and loving, but there are times he can be very critical.

I showed him a couple websites that I have been working on. I put very long hours into these things and I did a lot of work. The first thing he said about it was that my code was all wrong. :( He tends to see what is not done, or not done right, before he sees what has actually been done. So he notices the dirty floor before he sees that I did all the laundry, hung all his shirts and pants up, ironed the wrinkeled ones, etc. They may not have made it to his closet, but they are ready to wear. He sees that the dishwasher is full, but not that dinner is on the table complete with main course, vegetable, bread and something sweet for after. I'm a person who needs the little things noticed. Please tell me what is good before you tell me what is bad.

Maybe that's why I'm so emotional today. Thinking that I'm not living up to what he expects. Thinking than I'm less of a person because I left my job to be at home and I can't even do that properly. I'm sure that he doesn't know it makes me feel this way because if he did he would feel terrible. I just need a beteer way of talking to him before it reaches the confrontational stage.

Well now, this turned into a really long entry that I thought was just going to be a few words. Now watch Diaryland lose it! Ha!

kellbelle at 10:19 a.m.

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