2007-04-30

Frustrated

The baby must pick up on my stress levels when I have a test, because every time I have a test, I'm up with her until 10:30 trying to get her to sleep and have no time for studying. And every time without fail, Carl goes to bed at 9:30 and I end up crying in frustration and sleeping on the sofa so I can attempt to study.

I really hate griping about Carl. He's a great husband. He's loving and thoughtful (most of the time). but when it comes to the baby, I don't think he gets it. I have to tell him most times that she's hungry or that she needs a diaper. And when I say these things... sometimes he acts like I've never had a baby before. It's very frustrating.

He came home from work on Friday. I had been with the baby all day... up at 5:00 to feed and change her and then up the entire day. He came home and I asked if he could please feed her a bottle because I'd been with her all day. He said sarcastically "Sure, because I relaxed all day." I about cried right there and almost told him to nevermind, but instead I sucked it up and said "ya know... I know you worked all day, but I did things today too." and then I left him with the baby to go off somewhere and cry.

I'm increasingly feeling tremendous pressure. Tonight is another example. I have a biology final tomorrow. And yet here I am trying to get the baby to sleep while Carl is sleeping in the bedroom. Sometimes I really want to scream. But again, Carl is a good husband. I shouldn't be complaining, but if I don't, I think I'm going to lose my mind.

I made an appointment with my pastor to talk about some other things that are overwhelming me. Going to try to talk about Aubrey's dad a little bit. Our new pastor never knew the ex and he doesn't know me very well, so it's a good time to talk and get really good objective advice and guidance. Carl doesn't know that I'm going to talk to him. But I don't think it would matter if he did know. All I know is that my signs of depression are increasing and that is not good. I self monitor and believe me, I know when I'm not feeling normal and right now I'm not feeling normal.

It's such a lovely and quiet evening. I have the patio doors open and I can hear the rain falling. There's a cool breeze through the house and I can hear the baby's music machine playing soft lullabies. I guess she's finally sleeping and I should get after my biology review. I just hope I don't oversleep.

kellbelle at 10:37 p.m.

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