2003-05-23

History

I was born 35 years ago in the small farming town of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin. I'm the descendant of great men and women, and many would say that when I look in the mirror, greatness would look back upon me. Nevertheless, my life has been marked with bouts of sadness and sometimes miserable consequence. Some say it's because I live with recklessness, other because I refuse to take care with what I do and say.

My first husband was sterile. He forgot to tell me this before we married. I could conceive children, but would never be able to carry them to term. My second husband gave me one daughter, but failed to give much else to me.

If God has not blessed me with many children, He has blessed me with the ability to live my life and to love my friends in my own reckless way. I'm sure you are familiar with the expression "To know me is to love me". But my expression is "To love me is to know me." Love is what drives me. And I don't just mean romantic love from a man. It's important to me to know that my child loves me, that my friends love me, that my family loves me. If you want to be my friend, you have to accept that I will care... probably more than you want me to. hehe And just because I tell you "I love you" it doesn't mean that I'm "in love" with you.

I think that's where people get me wrong. They think I'm this affection starved woman desperate for love. And that's not it. I have a good life, despite all my recent struggles. I know that I'm a good person. I know that I am not alone. It's just in these times of struggle that I need to know most that I am loved. And because I'm a person of touch, the lonliness closes in sometimes. And everyone seems so far away. That's what happens when you move away from home and all your friends live 1,000 miles away. No one to hug you and squeeze your hand and say "Hey Kell, it's all going to be okay.. you just watch."

I miss my mother. I miss the people who make me believe that I'm okay.

And dammit if Tim isn't going out of town for the weekend. Oh well... forcing me to go slow I suppose. I hate that!

kellbelle at 11:31 a.m.

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