2003-05-25

Sunday Night Ranting

I'm a very foolish and silly woman. I get myself in these discussions that always end the same way. I try to find answers and only end up with more questions.

Was talking tonight to Mr Canada about his daughter. He overheard her telling a friend that she would like to come and live with him. I suggested that he talk to her about it and bring up a possibility... ask her how she would feel about living with him. Of course he won't do it. He wants to be out of his parents' house and in his own place before he asks her.

I suggest that he never wants to think in terms of possibilities. He's afraid to make any long term dreams even. He says to give him an example. Duh... our whole relationship is an example of that. I think he's more afraid of what could be than what really is. He complains that he's tired of being alone. Well hello, I sure tried to change that and he got scared and cheated on me to force that idea right out of my head. It still hurts me. Still makes me cry when I think about it. That I let someone get so close to me and to my child. So close that she was asking if he was going to be her daddy. And then he betrays everything.

His response to my attempts to talk to him tonight:

Mr Canada: lets not do this now pls

Kell: I know.. you never want to do this. It's okay Doug.

Mr Canada: what is ok ?

Kell: That you don't want to do this anymore

Mr Canada: oh, so you don't want to talk to me anymore then?

And it has ruined my perception of who I am, and what I can offer someone. A guy shows me some positive attention and I start to hope that I don't mess it up by revealing too much, or doing the wrong thing. And then I hope that I'm not seeing too much into the actions of the guy showing me attention. How do I tell that he really likes me for who I am and when he's just after getting laid? Fucking insecurities that bad relationships instill. I hate it. I used to be so laid back. Had the ability to roll with the puches. That's getting really hard.

The things we believe are just thoughts. And thoughts can be changed. Right? So why won't these thoughts just bugger off? I don't nurture them. They creep in there when you least expect them to. The ambush you when your defenses are down. They suck the joy right out of your life. Dammit I hate that.

I'm hoping Tim comes home tomorrow. I miss our talks. Miss that connection with someone who seems to care about more than getting laid. Although I wouldn't mind right now if that's what he wanted. LOL I could use a good toss in the pillows myself. It's been a long time and I have the feeling that he'd be really nice to toss around with. Hehehe Almost 8 months now.. wow. That's a long time for me. Don't get me wrong, I know how to exercise my rights LOL But you know as well as I do that a living, breathing partner is so much better than any other false alternative that the retail market can offer. LOL

Well, I guess I've turned myself around tonight. Now that I've bored all of you to death. Thanks for reading, and for the encouragment. Enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend.

kellbelle at 9:28 p.m.

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