2003-06-05

They Won't Get Me Again

I needed to write. Once again it's a late night and I can't wind down enough to sleep. Only had a few hours of sleep last night, but had to get up to take Becky to the doctor today. I didn't nap today thinking that would help me fall asleep when it came time. I'm afraid to take Tylenol PM because the dreams are so vivid and I can't wake up from them, but if I don't take something to help me fall asleep, I lay there wide-eyed while tossing and turning thinking of all the things that could go wrong tomorrow.

I've been in therapy long enough that you would think I would know how to avoid these thought patterns, but I just can't help thinking about the possibility that they will call me tomorrow and let me know about that damn job. I feel like everything is hanging on their making me an offer. My hope, my faith, my sanity, my future... all of them are swinging in the breeze.

I'm a faithful person. I believe in God. And I know that I will be taken care of. I've been taken care of for nearly three months now. But how long can this go on? I need to find some work both for my monitary as well as my mental well being. I feel I'm slowly walking backwards towards a cliff and the anticipation is worse than the deep fall I know is waiting for me. I just wish it would happen so I could deal with my freefall already.

It's been many, many years since I've felt this bad. I attempted suicide when I was in college. I swallowed about 42 Nitol tablets. Fortunately, I woke up ... had a very vivid hallucination I guess you might call it that brought me out of that sleep. I woke up and I saved myself. I can still hear the music in my head that I had looping on my CD player. It was the soundtrack to Dying Young. To this day when I hear anything from that movie I feel like I'm going to pass out.

In any case, I saved myself from the worst I'd ever felt then, and I know that I would never even go "there" again. But these feelings are terrifying. I feel like that damn 22 year old again. Helpless and hopeless. The only difference now is that I have a little girl that needs me around to be sane and bring normality to her own life. And that's what keeps me from going head first (instead of feet first) over the edge.

This is not a "help me I'm thinking about suicide" entry. This is just a place for me to talk about the fear from the very feelings of desperation that almost got me once. They won't get me again. I just need to say it out loud. They won't get me again.

kellbelle at 10:59 p.m.

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