2003-07-14

Long Day

Once again, I've gone a few days without adding an entry. Mostly because my thoughts are soooo convoluted that I can't think straight. I had a mini-breakdown today. Was sitting here thinking about the equity in my house slipping away each month I'm not able to pay my mortgage. If they take the house from me, I won't get any money back, but if I do the whole "We Buy Ugly Houses" thing, at least I'll see a couple grand back from my initial investment. So, with tears in my eyes, I submitted the paperwork to have someone come by the house and make me an offer. I paid $89k for the house, but it's been appraised at $92k. Normally they pay in cash, so I could still be okay if they give me at least my asking price. My other option is to do quick sale through the mortgage company, but I'm not sure how much of my initial investment I will see if I do it that way. My ex loaned me a couple grand to put down as did my family, so I really hope to get at least that back, but I don't know. We'll see.

Chantal and I talked today about me possibly going to Little Rock to work with her company. It sounds great to me. I've always been able to pick up and start over with no problem, but that was all before I had a little one to think about. Thankfully the cost of living there is less than it is here and I could take a 5% paycut and still make about the same as I would if I stayed here in Dallas. Jobs just aren't panning out for me here and I really need to have a plan if I'm going to keep my life together. Chantal called me today to talk about the position and it was all I could do to keep from blubbering like an idiot. Half crying from worry, half from relief that there's hope if things here don't work out.

My ex might be an obstacle. I'm not sure he will be thrilled at the prospect of me moving off, but Little Rock isn't that far away. It's an hour by plane and a 6 hour drive. Much better than flying or driving to Wisconsin (which is where I'll have to go if I don't find something here).

My church has been very good to me as well... offering me counsel and humor and money and food. I'm just so overwhelmed sometimes at all the love I've been missing out on for so many years. Asking for help has always been a major problem of mine. I wait until it's way too late. Perhaps that's my lesson in all this. I can't do it all alone. People need other people no matter how much they think they can wing it alone.

Thanks another thing that appeals to me about moving to Little Rock. Chantal is such a cool person. I've always admired her (yeah really Chantal) and wanted the chance to get to know her better. There aren't too many women I get along with, but Chantal and the Goddess are two of my favorites.

My head is killing me. I was up painting the backdrop for the vacation bible school puppet show and I don't know if it's from bending over painting, or from the smell of the tempra, but this headache is a whopper. I've been having to take Tylenol PM just to sleep at night. The dreams have been great, but I don't want to build up an addiction to having to take something to help me sleep at night.

Wow, guess I've more than compensated for not writing in a few days. I still have lots more to say, but I'll save it for another time.

kellbelle at 9:46 p.m.

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