2003-07-22

Stumbling

I think Doug is pissed at me. I haven't heard from him since Saturday night when I went to the play to see Annie Get Your Gun with Janet from church. I got the oddest feeling today that perhaps he stumbled upon my diary and read about Tim. But if he did, he would also know that it's him (Doug) I love and not anyone else. I guess he thinks I've been sitting here pining away sitting on my hands doing nothing while I've been feeling lonely and suffering from trying to get over him dumping me and sleeping with someone else before he even had the courtesy to tell me not to buy my plane ticket to visit. (wow that was a hell of a sentence) Ugggg I'm in a total whirl of emotion right now between fear that he's read all these things and relief that perhaps this will bring everything to a final head and he'll either shit or get off the pot. One day he tells me that he'll always love me even if he hardly ever says it out loud and the next day he's not talking to me. I don't understand men. And ya know... I think it's time I washed my hands of them for a long while. I'm tired of being strung alone and living only on hope. It would be nice to have the real thing for once. Problem is... I don't see it coming my way any time soon. But dammit if I don't feel horrible when I think of not talking to Doug anymore.. or not having in my life somehow. I love that guy more than I've ever loved any man. And if he can't see that... and if it doesn't mean anything to him... then I guess we're both better off that he's pissed off and walks away.

kellbelle at 5:23 p.m.

previous | next