2003-09-09

Forgiven Not Forgotten

I'm no longer feeling myself questioning myself when it comes to what I will do about Doug. I have given that over and I've been presented with an opportunity to see him again, so I'm going to take it and see what comes from it.

It's hard not to feel some hope and expectation, but I just can't go into it like that this time. I have to see if I can be with him and not dwell on the fact that he was with someone else. I feel that I've forgiven him, but I know that I haven't forgotten what happened.

In some ways I feel like I've blamed all of the last five months of trials on his one moment of weakness. It was because of that moment that I had my breakdown and nearly ended everything. I lost my job, I nearly lost my home, and my mind, and my life. it's taken me a long time to crawl out of that hole of betrayal and hurt and terrible sadness. Not to mention the financial hole I got into.

I haven't seen Doug for over a year now, so I am hoping that our time apart has healed most of my hurt (and some of his) and that I won't be hit in the face with questions when I'm with him again. Questions like "Did he do this with her? Did he touch her this way? Did he tell her this stuff?"

Part of that is just insecurity, but it's a genuine fear. That depression I was in made me put on a lot of weight. He weighs less than I do now and he looks so good. I think deep down I'm afraid I won't meet his standards anymore. He could be with someone much prettier, thinner, etc. I guess I won't know until I'm there and look him in the eye.

I would like to think that I know him well enough that he wouldn't feel that way about me. But I also thought I knew him well enough to trust that he wouldn't sleep around on me and hurt me so deeply. Again, time will tell if I've really forgiven him or if I'm just living in a fantasy because we live so far apart.

kellbelle at 1:20 p.m.

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