2005-02-23

This started out wrong....

I have been reading and watching all over the news about the 37 year old pregnant woman and her 7 year old son who were killed by her former boyfriend. It sickens me to no end that someone would kill another person and their child because they were afraid their new spouse would find out. She was apparently blackmailing the guy� saying she would tell his new wife that she was pregnant with his child. They apparently fought about it and then he strangled bother her and her 7 year old son. I think what�s worse is that the guy�s business partner knew about it and did or said nothing to authorities. He saw the bodies in the back of the truck and he did nothing because he �didn�t want to be involved�. Ummm hello, you�re already involved the minute you lay eyes on something like that. I just don�t understand people, but it interests me to no end how people process this kind of stuff in their heads to justify what they�ve done. What are they thinking?? What is running through the mind of a person strangling a 7 year old?

Anyway, not to get all morbid first thing in the morning� I don�t really watch the news all that much for that very reason. Not that I don�t want to be an informed citizen, but really�do I need to know that kind of information? I mean sure, there�s violence all over the news with the war coverage, but I don�t want to be reading, or watching, or listening to every other act of passion/murder/rape that happens in my community. Sheesh I have no idea where all that just came from. It must have been bothering me.

On a brighter note, I�m really starting to get excited about the wedding. I don�t mean just about the wedding itself, but about being married again� about being with someone and believing in the promise of forever. I know from my own experience that it doesn�t always happen that way, but I have also learned from my own experience that it takes two believers. It will never work when only one person believes or when only one person is willing to do what is necessary for the growth and development of a marriage, partnership, friendship. The biggest factor I found in my marriage to Aubrey�s dad is the resentment factor. Resentment is an ugly and bitter seed and once it�s planted, it is so hard to kill.

I found my old journal the other day�of when I was pregnant with Aubrey. I found the exact day when things turned for our marriage. I was really sick when I was pregnant. I had to quit my job (this was before the family leave act). I actually weighed less pregnant than I did before I was pregnant. I had to rest a lot and take care of myself. Aubrey�s dad did exactly shite for me during this time. I had no special treatment. He was �the man�, the �provider� and he still expected life at home to be perfectly in order, the house clean, dinner on the table, etc. He never did anything for me but provide a roof over my head, food to eat, and a place to sleep. I wrote in my journal that he was an assh*le and that was the day the resentment was born.

In doing my pre-marriage counseling with Carl, we have been reading a book given to us by the priest. When I hit the chapter on resentment, boy did I see the light. Suddenly I wasn�t reading about my upcoming marriage, I was reading about my former marriage. All the signs were in there. It starts with the resentment and as the resentment grows, you try to find ways to cope including trying to fulfill your needs in other ways. I slipped into depression. When Aubrey was about two, I actually left her dad for about 6 months. It was not a fun time. I knew exactly no one in this town except people that I worked for and they were useless. I ended up going back to her dad, but only after he told me that he never wanted me to leave.

Things were better for a while. We went on a trip for our 6 year anniversary. We had a good time. Ended up going to Hot Spr*ings. We got along great, the sex was good and we even talked about having another baby. When we got back from the trip, things were back to �normal�. He quit talking to me, quit telling me he loved me, quit touching me. I began sleeping in the spare bedroom and once again the resentment came along. I don�t think it was ever really gone. Anyway, it wasn�t long after that I realized I couldn�t live my life with a man who was content with having a �room mate� or a �maid� around. He continually told me �why should I go with you to counseling? You�re the one with the problem. I�m perfectly happy.� Great huh?

So anyway, that chapter in that book was very enlightening and I know that this is the last time I will ever marry anyone. I have never had such an open and wonderful relationship with anyone let alone a man. Carl really is my best friend. There is nothing I wouldn�t do for this man. He has come in and made my life such a full and rich collage of laughter, love, friendship and trust. I can�t ever imagine what I have done to deserve him. I�m just so thankful that I finally have found everything I ever wanted in someone. And I can honestly say that I can�t think of anything I would change about him� or list anything that I don�t like about him. I�m so happy.

kellbelle at 9:13 a.m.

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