2005-03-16

Working through some things...

This is like my third entry today. I'm just working through some things. Pay me no mind.

When I was younger, it seemed that I only knew only a few people that died. And while it touched me� it made me think about life, but not nearly as much as now. The older you are, the faster you lose those around you that you love and look up to. And I�ve really been having a hard time dealing with this concept. I feel too young to have lost a parent. Too young to lose people around me that I looked up to as a teenager. It doesn�t seem fair, or right, especially since I always seem to be so far away when it happens and I�m left to deal with the concept of loss from a distance. In some ways it�s a blessing. It�s not a daily affront to my emotions or my sensibilities. But I do have to deal with it at odd moments like picking up the telephone to call someone, or sending them an email, before I remember that they aren�t there anymore. And the physical distance brings guilt. I can�t possibly make it to the funeral. I called the church and asked them to mail me a prayer card. The poor nun on the end of the phone asked me how I knew Joyce and I started to cry. LOL Poor woman had no idea she was dealing with a premenstrual woman in mourning. LOL

I think the hardest part about losing Joyce is that no one here knows her. It�s different when you lose a parent or a sibling. People can sympathize with that. Even Carl has never met Joyce. How do you tell someone about how much that person meant to you. She was more than my friend. She was more than a mother figure. She was so much more than anything I could ever begin to say or tell about. And I guess part of this is my guilt coming out. Joyce remembered my birthday every year since the time I left Wisconsin. I got a birthday and a Christmas card from her every year without fail. The last card she sent me had a picture of her and her husband and she looked so thin and frail. But she isn�t suffering anymore. And now she can be with me any time I need her. Maybe she�ll visit my dreams like my father used to. I still dream of him occasionally and now it�s much more of a comfort than when it first happened.

I�ll never forget the morning I was supposed to go home for the funeral. I woke up from a dream about him. I was in a hospital with my mother and we were there waiting to hear from a doctor about my dad. The doctor came into the room and told my mother and I that he had some blood infection or something, but he �could go home now�. I woke up bawling. The going home thing was very significant� he was going home and I wouldn�t ever see him again. That was a tough one. But he was in my dreams for a good 3 or 4 weeks after that. And now I only dream of him from time to time� and usually he�s just been in the background somewhere. I guess he wants me to know that he�s still around. Maybe he can show Joyce where to find me.

kellbelle at 2:08 p.m.

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