2005-03-30

Lonely Evening

Damn but do I feel lonely tonight. I fell off the wagon hard on this diet and I'm feeling really discouraged. How is it that I can be so strong in so many things, but I can't do something to take control of my own life? I'm really angry with myself and frustrated. It's not that I cheated BAD on the diet, but it was ALL DAY long craving one thing or another and me giving in to little things that led to a bigger thing. I'm too embarrassed to even say here everything I ate today. **bangs head on desk**

And I'm feeling lonely. Wednesday night Carl has by himself at home to do his thing and I am here to do mine. Thing is... I've gotten so used to having him around I can't find much to do when he's not here. I have things I could do, sure, but the house is so quiet. Aubrey is doing homework and while I really need to straighten up my office, here I am looking for someone to chat with.

I came home from work and fell asleep for an hour, so I'm sure now I'll be awake a good part of the night feeling this way. I'm not really depressed, just tremendously disappointed in myself. I know... stop beating myself up. It's what I always say to you guys. Stop being so hard on myself, I'm only human. Okay... I get it. I'll TRY to stop. :)

Did I mention that the Canadian emailed me on Friday? Yeah, he wished me a happy Easter. How weird is that? I haven't heard from him in months. I guess he was putting the feelers out to see if I'm still going to get married. And it goes to show you that for someone who said he doesn't love me... he sure has a funny way of not being able to let go. I guess it's easier when he thinks the person he's dumped and destroyed is unhappy. But once I got over him and moved on it's a little distressing for him I guess. Oh well. Once upon a time it would have made me feel for him (either evil thoughts of "hahaha on you" or "wow he must still love me") but I hardly even think of him anymore. I won't lie, I still think of him when I see something that reminds me of him, but he is not a part of my daily thoughts anymore and I think that's a blessing.

Terri, thanks for the note, yes I know that I deserve all the happiness I can possibly stand, but sometimes I think we all feel a little unworthy. It's nice to be reminded by friends that I am worthy.

Today I signed up as a hobbyist for a rubber*stamping company. I can sell if I want to, but mostly I signed up for the company discount (30%). I only have to buy $100 every 4 months to stay active. I think I can do that. hehe I never was much of a salesperson, but this time I signed up knowing I'm not going to be in sales. (if that makes any sense at all) They already mailed out my package, so all you lovelies can keep your eyes peeled in the mail for all the new greeting cards I will be making. LOL

Okay I suppose that's enough whiney babble for now. I need to get after this office.

kellbelle at 7:49 p.m.

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