2005-03-30

The Diet Grind

There are only 83 days until the wedding. Sheesh time is really starting to fly by!! But I�m really starting to get excited and the reality is really starting to sink in. I was telling Mer yesterday that sometimes I don�t think to write about the things going on in my head here in my diary. Writing here is more like a narration than a conversation that can actually pull those things from my mind. It�s easier to write when someone is asking me questions or when I�m comparing experiences.

So yes, I�m scared. I�m not having second thoughts scared. I�m just not wanting to screw up another relationship. I am the first one to admit that I did stupid things, that I gave up far too easily. But I think with those relationships I was forever settling for less than what I thought I could ever find; for less than I thought I deserved or for less than I should have. Now I have this wonderful man who fills my life with so much happiness. He is attentive and knows when to say things or do things without my asking. He �knows� me� which is something I�ve never known before. I was always the wife trying to please the husband at the expense of my own needs and desires. Now it�s mutual and it scares me because I don�t ever want to mess that up. I don�t ever want to hurt this man. I don�t ever want to lose him. Weird to be thinking about losing him before we are even married isn�t it??

It�s day three of the diet and today has been hell. I woke up late (slept through an hour of my alarm going off). I was starving and I was bad and I had something I shouldn�t. I got to work and stumbled again. I�m doing better this afternoon. They are having cake for the first quarter birthdays in the kitchen soon. *sigh* What I wouldn�t give for a piece of cake. LOL The food is good on this diet, but I am hungry ALL the time. It sucks.

But at the same time I�m really happy. Probably the happiest I have ever been my whole life. If that�s due to Carl, or the good food, or the antidepressants� I don�t know and don�t much care. Hehe

Okay� back to the grind.

kellbelle at 1:22 p.m.

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