2005-05-26

Not So Bad

Once upon a time I was a lost girl. I lied and stole my way through my childhood. There are times when I can�t even be sure sometimes if those memories are real, or if they are the lies I convinced myself of over years of retelling. I was a wanderer for many years. I moved all over the place never knowing what home really was. My parents had rented the house for 32 years, so when they retired, the house wasn�t theirs. When they moved away, I was heartbroken to know that my idea of �home� was now someone else�s.

They say that you can�t go home again. I�m reminded of that each time I try. I used to think that maybe I had ADD or something, because I�m a wanderer. I have wandered from town to town, from man to man, from hobby to hobby, and from career to career. I no longer think I�m ADD, I think I�ve just been a little lost.

The day I moved to Texas was the day I felt for the first time that I actually belonged somewhere. I was mistaken to think that it was this �man� that made me feel that way. It wasn�t him. Texas was warm and open, Texas was new adventure. Texas is HUGE and I could travel all over to places and never even leave the state. Texas was where I started to find myself.

I suppose the marriage and the child helped, too. But the marriage was not good. I started relationship therapy and found out that there were a LOT of things that I did not like about myself. I felt immoral, I felt like a loser, I felt fat and ugly and suddenly in this place where I felt like I had finally found home, I discovered that I had totally morphed into someone that no one even knew. I didn�t see it happening because I was in a new place trying to meet new people. Those people didn�t know who I was before I moved here� but the marriage was wearing on me and I withdrew and I withdrew until the former me just wasn�t there anymore.

I used to be a performer. I used to be the funny girl. I was an actress in theater. I was an entertainer. I WAS. Those are two sad words for me to write. �I was�.

With the Canadian � I loved him so much. But I was so lonely� so alone. It was the same with Aubrey�s dad. I was lonely and alone a lot. There seemed to be no room for me in those relationships. Carl gives me so much room, but his love is always there in everything he does. He brings me flowers. He folds my underwear. He loads and unloads the dishwasher. He cooks and cleans. He supports me going back to school. That�s something Aubrey�s dad never did because I think he was afraid I would get smart enough to see that I could do so much better. He was right! LOL

When I hit my 30�s, actually I think I was 32 or 33, my life really started happening. I got the help I needed. I got the medicine I needed. I found the life and the love I needed. It all sounds so easy putting it here in words, but it wasn�t. I had horrible selfish thoughts. I tried killing myself. I tried running away from things. I tried running TO other things. I finally got tired and had to stand still and face up. I�m not perfect. I�m not without deep flaws. But I don�t try to make myself think otherwise anymore. Because I�m not so bad. Hell� if Carl can love me� if ANYone can love me� I�m not so bad.

kellbelle at 10:42 a.m.

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