2006-07-19

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It's funny sometimes how things can just flip on a dime with me. I was feeling all nostalgic yesterday what with the old classmate contacting me. I started looking at websites and events back in my home town and even thought about talking to Carl about the possibility of moving back there sometime to be close to my mom.

I then called my mom to talk to her about Christmas because the baby is due and I thought it would be nice to have her here for a change. We had talked about it about a month ago and she was very excited. Yesterday I noticed the lack of excitment in her voice. She no longer wants to come.

To say that I'm hurt or disappointed is the understatement of the year. I cried right there on the phone with her, but she didn't notice. I asked her who talked her out of coming, she said none of them did (there are seven others besides me). I don't believe her. She hemmed and hawed and said "But where would Eric and Craig go?" Uhhhh Eric is 35 years old and Craig is 55 years old. They have have MANY holidays with my mother. My daughter has not had ONE. It was my misguided belief that my mother would want to come for the birth of her grandchild, but I guess I should have known that she wouldn't come for that when she wouldn't come for any other events either. I'm feeling very grateful that I live far away. I'm reminded of why I moved in the first place.

I never felt a part of my family. My parents almost never came to things once I got out of elementary school. I was the youngest member of an audition only chorus with a world famous conductor. I had my picture in the newspaper. My dad died never even having heard me sing. I've always had to find my sense of family from other people. To have my own mother remind me of this now is totally heart breaking and disappointing and gut wrenching. I think of all the things I've done that none of the other seven ever did... and still it's not enough to deserve any kind of attention from the woman who gave birth to me. I'm not even sure I want her to visit at all now. And that feeling really sucks.

kellbelle at 11:50 a.m.

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