2007-04-22

Having a weird day

Why is it that some things are so easy to forget? Like the reason I got off the sofa. I got halfway across the room before I realized I couldn't remember what I got up for. Or how about the name of a co-worker's spouse? And why is it that some things are just impossible to forget? Like the song that was playing the first time you danced with your first boyfriend, or the way the flowers smelled at my ex husband's funeral and how his nose didn't look quite right as he was laying in the coffin? Is it becomes some things are inconsequential? Not important? Then why do we choose to forget about really important things going on in the world like starving children? Sex slavery? Racism? Genocide? We don't want to see those things and remember them I suppose. Yet why do I hang onto the memory of my ex? Or remembering the song I heard on the radio when I saw Niagara Falls for the first time? Why does the smell of a certain cologne elicit such strong memories but I can't remember the name of a coworker's spouse?

Memory is a strange thing. We're studying the brain in biology and I know that the reason we remember certain things is larely due to the function of certain brain centers. For me it's also a way of torture.

Pain used to be the only thing that made me feel like I was alive. Most of my waking life felt as dreamlike as my sleeping life. Pain was the only thing that let me know when I was awake, let me know what was real. I was never one to cut on myself, but I used to hit myself... pretty hard, too. I would give myself black eyes with my fist or the doorknob on the door. Don't ask me why because in my life now, it seems very disturbing to me that I used to do those things to myself. It was a very troubling time.

I have moved from physically injuring myself to more subtle ways of injury. I remember things and blame myself and hold on to the guilt that rises up. I wrap myself in it because some things are just so incredibly surreal to me that the only way I know they really happened is to feel the pain.

I'm not quite sure where all of this is coming from today. I think perhaps it's because I was organizing some photos earlier today and seeing Aubrey's dad smiling in pictures with his arm around her brought on a tremendous amount of emotion for me. Aubrey is really doing great with everything as far as her dad is concerned. I still haven't quite gotten up the nerve to deal with it all. It's too scary to take on. But there are days like today when I know I should try. I'm back into the menstrual flow, so to speak, and that's probably another big reason for all the emotion. So many months with different kinds of hormones and then suddenly I'm back to "normal" and I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Being a mother again is so great. Julia is a dream baby. Her little smile and personality are just kick ass. But there are times when everything just overwhelms me. I wonder if I'll make it. I wonder how my sanity is going to make it. Some days I just want to escape somewhere and cry.

kellbelle at 3:51 p.m.

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