2003-06-11

Hump Day Night

Doug told me tonight about reading someone's diary online. Someone I know. And I'm terrified he will stumble across mine. If he does I never want to know, because it would totally change the way I write about things. About him. And here is the one place I feel that I can express myself best because no one knows him. LOL

Had a pretty good evening. I had choir tonight and taught the kids class. It's so weird knowing that it's my kiddo's class and she's not there. I sure hope she comes home this weekend. I miss her so much.

I've been missing Doug really bad too. I just can't help it. I know he's been an asshole for the things he's done. I know that he's a typical guy going through midlife right now. He's afraid of what he wants so he pushes it away and runs recklessly towards other things that are more exciting and appear to be more satisfying. I know these things. So call me stupid. I really love this guy.. like no one I have ever loved before. I can't explain the depth of my feelings here. I just know that it wasn't something I have experienced before. It was on a level I have never experienced before. It made all the other times that I thought I was in love seem like training courses LOL They were experimental and flawed. Not that my relationship with Doug wasn't flawed. It was far from perfect, but we connected on a level I didn't know I could have. And I get scared too... scared that I won't have that kind of connection with someone again.

So that's my fear. Maybe I don't miss Doug ... I just miss the connection. Not sure I believe that... but I'm talking out loud here for my own benefit not yours ;) LOL

Well, I'm wiped out and I have to be at the gym at 7:00 am tomorrow. Then I'm off to clean carpets at church. I'm gonna be dead tomorrow! Ciao!!

kellbelle at 10:16 p.m.

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