2003-07-05

Careful What You Wish For

Things are not looking good. I've been sitting here having anxiety attacks all day about whether I get this job or not. I feel like it's a bit of life or death and I really hate to think that way let alone feel that way. I'm three months behind in the mortgage and a month behind in my car payment. The other bills are starting to stack up and I still haven't completed my bankruptcy. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a really big cliff and either I'm gonna be pushed or I'm going to jump and I don't much like the feeling of either one. I haven't felt this desperate since college and I'm doubly anxious/scared/freaked out because it's not just me that this will all effect, but my kiddo. That poor kid has been moved so many times, had to change schools so many times, had to find new friends so many times.... I just can't keep putting her through all that.

I know that things are bad because I'm starting to think I never should have divorced Gary and moved off. That I never should have wasted so much time and money and love and effort on Doug. I'm starting to question everything I've done and that's never good. I don't feel good. I don't feel positive. I only feel scared. I can't even go to the shrink because I don't have any health benefits. I don't have any food in my fridge. I don't have any money in my bank account. I don't have any hope left in my heart.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here saying "why me". I asked for my life to become more simplified. I asked for the simplification to happen. Take a listen folks... be careful what you wish for because not only might you just get it, but you will never get it the way you expected to.

kellbelle at 11:37 p.m.

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