2003-07-31

One More Day

One more day until the weekend. I feel really super over extended. It's been a great week. I love the new job and there's already talk of training me to become an underwriter which is two levels above where I am now. In a few months I can sign up to start taking CPCU courses as the company has tuition reimbursement. I will probably start with the general insurance courses and work my way up. There are also internal courses I can take along the way. It's all very promising.

The week has been very draining on me. I drive almost an hour each way. Traffic moves really well, but the drive itself is beginning to take its toll on me (no pun intended). When I get home after picking up Aubrey, I'm too tired to even sit at my computer (as I sit in front of one all day). My mood has been very upbeat. I even got my first paycheck today.

But tonight, as I lay down to go to sleep, I tried to think of something pleasant to dream about. And my thoughts fell with very little effort to the night when I first saw Niagara Falls. I pictured the water in a rainbow of colors and thanks to my sound machine I could even hear the rush of the water. And then I thought of kissing Doug for the first time. It was there in Niagara Falls. And suddenly I felt really very alone there in my big bed. And now I'm very sad. And I don't know where all of this is coming from. Is it because I miss Doug so bad? Or am I just tired and stressed out from not being at work for so long? I don't know where all the sadness is coming from.

My sleep is sucking something terrible as well. I've always had problems sleeping, but lately I can't stay asleep. I'm so tired, I fall asleep right away, but wake up 5 or 6 times in the night. When I wasn't working, I would take Tylenol PM and even though I would still wake up, I was groggy enough that I fell right back to sleep. Only problem was that it left me feeling hung over the next morning. I can't take that and still get to work on time.

My health benefits kick back in tomorrow and I'm going to see about maybe taking Ambien or perhaps going back on anti depressants. I really hate to think of doing that, but this has got to stop. It makes me feel very helpless and hopeless when there's no reason to feel that way. Things are turning around and I recognize that, but the feelings won't go away. And they always seem to find me at night when it's quiet.

kellbelle at 10:11 p.m.

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