2003-09-28

Medicated Mutterings

I watched two movies today that made me boo-hoo like mad. Not a good thing to do when your sinuses make your head feel as if it could explode at any minute. The first was Awakenings with Robin Williams. He plays a neurologist who works with catatonic elderly people. He begins giving them an experimental drug and they all come "alive" again. It's sad because they end of reverting to their previous state, but it's a slow process and makes you feel helpless and wondering why you should have such a good life when other people are completely robbed of their own.

The other was You've Got Mail. I think I've been doing pretty good since I've been back from Canada. Normally I mope around and feel crappy for being stuck living somewhere I don't want to be. But that was when my life was pretty much a mess and a near disaster waiting to happen. Lately, I realize that my life is pretty good despite lacking some things. But after seeing this movie, it really made me miss Doug a lot. Doug and I, afterall, met through the internet and have been going off and on for three and a half years now.

I was half asleep on the sofa remembering stepping off the airplane in Toronto for the first time not knowing what to expect and worried that he would think I was too fat or unattractive. But there he was standing there with that big cheesy grin on his face. And all this time he has made me feel a lot of things (good and bad) but none of them being fat or unattractive.

Jody asked me the other day why I torture myself with a relationship I can't get a "hold" of. It is really hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I don't think it's torture. Every relationship has hard times that can make or break a relationship. I sometimes wonder if Doug and I would last if we lived in the same place. A year ago or two years ago I could say that no, I don't think we would have. Because I was way too needy and dependent. But now, after everything I went through this summer, I know that we could do it. Why? Because I know that I can make it on my own now. I have learned how to ask for help. I know what it means to be humble and broken and to consider things you never would have considered before. I would have smothered him before. But now I finally believe in who I am.

That doesn't mean it's not painful or that I don't get sad or miss him. But I do know that I don't really want to be with anyone else. I've tried that.

kellbelle at 9:08 p.m.

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