2003-11-03

Ignorance Is Bliss

Why are all the people I love so far away? Molly would say because that's how I want them to be. And at one time, yes, having them far from me was useful in a sense. It brought me independence and self worth and confidence. But now I really hate it. Doug is freaking out because I'm dating and suddenly he "rediscovers" all these feelings. Well sure, you're about to lose me buddy. He says he thinks of me all the time. "What do you think when you think about me?" "Well what kind of question is that??" hehe He thought it was a trick question. I'd just like to know what he thinks of me that's all. He says I make him smile. Yeah he makes me smile too. And for all his faults and for all the bullshit, he's been the greatest love my my life. A balance of all that is good, physically, mentally... we balance out so well. But the miles don't balance out so well anymore. I used to be better when I could fool myself that I could just go there and live with him. And the same for him he says. So we can't do that now. It's so hard to keep going on. I have so little left to believe in where he is concerned anymore. But that doesn't stop the love. That doesn't stop the ache when I miss him. And it doesn't stop the hope from bubbling back up to the top again. For so long he's been my best friend, my lover, my hopes and dreams. And I miss him.

I get hope from other places. The Stars Fan and I had a really nice time. I mean REALLY nice time. And I didn't think about Doug one time. And I was happy. We're going to a Stars game in two weeks. Doug suddenly wants to commit now. But now I'm not willing to. I sometimes think I'll spend the next 4 years wishing Aubrey were 12 so we can go to Canada... and then when she's 12 I'll regret wasting those years wishing them gone. Thinking causes too much pain. I'm going back to the ignorance is bliss theory.

kellbelle at 9:39 p.m.

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