2003-12-12

Doug Day Afternoon

Doug has been emailing me. Here's the conversation thus far:

Doug: Hey how are you ?

Me: I'm fine Doug. I'm not going to disappear or anything. Don't worry about me.

Doug: Ok , give you space

Me: Not anymore space than we already have. I'm really okay. I know that you care. I just think that I need more than you can give me... and the sooner I deal with that, the sooner I will be even more okay. Does that make sense?

Doug: Not sure

Me: I just don't think that we're going to end up together. Your kids are your whole world. And I know that and it's okay. But that doesn't leave much room for me. I get the feeling that even if your kids were grown you wouldn't leave there to come here. And I sure get the feeling that you don't want me to come there. I can't live apart from you all the time. I can't live knowing that the only life I can have with you is a weekend here and there...especially when I want to be with you all the time. And I just don't get it from you that that is what you want. You don't want to hurt me, so you don't always tell me things. But shutting me out ends up hurting me too. You don't call me anymore...we barely talk anymore. I feel so isolated from you lately. I don't know how else to explain it.

Doug: :(

Me: I used to think that I could deal with it. But I miss you so much. I hurt inside that I have to make it without you. I mean I know you're always there... But you're THERE. You know how I feel about you. And if you don't than you're crazy. But I don't know how to keep doing this. I would give anything to come there and be with you... But like I said... I don't think you really want me there. I think that you like your life the way it is. And that's okay too. But I don't like my life the way it is... And I want more than this.

That's the way things stand so far *sigh* I was talking to Chou Chou today about how he didn't even fight for me yesterday. And today I was even a little relieved that he didn't. And now he's fighting for me and I know that it won't do any good. He's lost me now and that makes me sad too :(

Carl is at his Christmas party. He leaves for Austin tomorrow morning. I sent him a note and said I could nudge him tomorrow morning and he could leave from my house. I hope he takes me up on it. I'd rather not sleep alone tonight.

kellbelle at 4:01 p.m.

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