2004-01-28
Sunday Night Rambling
I started painting Aubrey's room. It's almost all primed now. I have one wall and the ceiling to finish before I start with the color. Of course I'm completely covered in paint! hehe
Carl told me he would come over today with another present for me. He came over around 4:00 and blew my mind. He came all this way just to fix my toilet in my bathroom! He brought the part I needed, installed it and then had to go to his mother's house. His mother lives way over by where he lives and yet he passed her place and came all the way over here to my house. Is that love or what???
The paint fumes got to me a little bit and my cramps kicked in big time. My period came in full force about 1/2 way through her room. I was telling Chou Chou that I was getting worried. I should have gotten my period around Christmas day and I have never been a day late in my life. Well, technically this was 5 days late! But honestly I wasn't that scared. Carl has already said he'd love to get me pregnant, but I would rather be married first :)
After painting I ordered a pizza because I was a bit queasy from the fumes and didn't want to cook. Felt fine after the pizza and watched a DVD called Welcome To The Dollhouses. Very bizarre and dark movie, but entertaining. It totally reminded me of my years in junior high. Not a very pleasant time in my life, but not nearly as bad as the girl in the movie.
I fell asleep around 8:30 and then Aubrey called me at 9:30 to tell me all about what she got for Christmas. She got some cool stuff and is excited to see her room when I finish it. I hope a week is long enough for me to get it painted and put back together.
After Aubrey called I really wasn't able to fall back asleep and just started thinking about Carl and how great everything is now. My bankruptcy is going through sometime next month and I won't have those things to worry about anymore. Christmas is behind me now and I can focus on paying off that stuff and once again catching up with other bills. For once in my life I feel like things are all coming together. Things make sense. I see all the negative people I've been around... thinking that they have been my "friends" and being supportive, when in all actuality, they have been keeping me down and holding me back from my true potential.
I was thinking that it's going to be 2004. I met Doug in 2000. Four years have gone by and as much as I loved him, those four years were never as good as these two months. Doug never adored me. He never let himself love me. Carl let me in...and I let him in...and that's where the adoring comes in. It's so easy when two people have the same things in mind... the same desires.. the same needs to be loved and accepted. It all just blows my mind how simple it can be and yet so complicated how we can make it become.
I asked Carl if he had any fantasies and he said all he ever wanted was someone who wanted him and loved him and made him feel okay. Wow... I thought... I can do that. This may have been a crappy year to begin with, but it sure is ending in the right way.
And now I can't sleep. I have to work tomorrow, but I would much rather just sit here and write a while. I let it slide when Carl was here and I really shouldn't let that happen. And I'm sure he wouldn't mind me slipping away to have my time to write. It just seems that when I write here it's easier for me to sleep. I get all the thoughts out of my head and captured somewhere else for another day and for someone else's input.
I wanted to send Doug's parents a Christmas card, but I'm not sure that I will. I'm sure they're wondering what happened, but I'm not their daughter. And I'd really rather not give Doug a reason to contact me. At the same time, I know they love me and Aubrey. I'd at least like to send them a picture of her like I always do. They were a part of our lives, too. I think I'll go ahead and send a card and just not write a letter like I usually do.
Speaking of Christmas cards, I haven't sent mine yet...so don't feel like I forgot you! LOL It's just been a whirlwind this week... a good one... and I'm still riding the high.
I was laying in bed deciding whether to get up and write or not... and something compelled me to come and at least write in my journal. And now that I have finished writing, I see Carl has signed on YM so now I know what compelled me to my computer ;) hehe Love y'all and I'll see you with my morning update.
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It's now 1:30 am and I can't sleep. Just had a really bad dream. It seems when I am happiest, the dreams come to try to bring me down, and they are always satanic dreams. Almost like I'm being attacked for being happy. This time, I heard Carl's cat, Mo, crying. Mo is scared of me in real life and I knew right away that having her in my house wasn't right. Well she jumped onto my bed and I called her kittyboo and she rubbed against my face. I knew right then I was dreaming, and I thought I woke up, but it was one of those dream within a dream things. So in the dream I start drifting back to sleep when I start to shudder... like gooseflesh chills... and my ears kind of spasm inside and make a buzzing noise and I hear this awful voice in my head. And in the dream I say "In the name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Father I command you to leave this place, you are not welcome here. Jesus please help me... Please help me." and then I wake up with a huge jump. Yeah weird, I know..
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In other news, Carl has invited me on his ski trip. That is really big, I can't even tell you, but I really can't go. That would only give me 2 days to finish painting Aubrey's room, but I'm also broke and while I wouldn't have to pay for my trip out there or the place to stay, I'd still have to pay to ski, and I have no money for that. Carl got kind of weird about it because I was trying to figure out a way to go, and I talked it out...out loud... and finally he said "I don't want you to be miserable about not getting the painting done or taking off work or spending too much money. You're not going and that's that." Made me a bit sad really, so I told him "ok" and that I had to go to bed now. I don't think he picked up on my feelings, but it's okay because he's right. I can't afford to go. I wouldn't have been miserable, but HE would have been the one worrying about me missing work, having enough money or finishing Aubrey's room. Besides, we have been together a lot. I think a break will be nice right now. He'll come back wanting to see me and I will finally get this house clean! hehe I feel better about it now than I did when I went to bed, so that's good. I'm almost scared to go back to bed, so I guess I'll surf a little or play some solitaire.
kellbelle at 10:15 p.m.
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