2004-08-02

From Good to Not So Good

Aubrey, Carl and I met up with Carl's friend from work and his kids at Chuck E Cheeeeese on Friday. We had a blast. The friend's kids are so sweet. They got there before us and told everyone it was Aubrey's birthday. They even had cupcakes for her. A good time was had by all. I was the skee ball queen :)

Saturday we slept in, did laundry and ran to the pet store for bird treats. Carl went home to update his web-page and I started a puzzle. I also watched M0NSTER on DVD. Wow.. I was really surprised by it. I can see why she won an award for playing the part.

Saturday night we had dinner in and watched Like Water For Ch0c0late. That was an excellent film as well. Went to bed early.

Sunday we went to church and then out for brunch. We came home, took a nap, went swimming and then headed to 0n The Border for dinner. After dinner we drove to Mesquite to pick up the last few things at the old house that I wanted...mainly all my genealogy research.

Leaving was very difficult. I had put off this last trip for so long, but they are foreclosing tomorrow, so the trip was a necessary evil. I was fine until it was time to go. Driving away from the house was the hardest thing I've had to do in some time. I ended up crying all the way home.

I felt like such a loser. Poor Aubrey said "We'll see them again, mom" (meaning the friends and neighbors in Mesquite that we were leaving behind). But my sorrow was a lot deeper than just having to leave behind friends. I felt like a failure. I had worked so hard to get that house. Those of you who have read my diary for a while know what I"m talking about. I had to borrow money from my parents and from my ex to get that house...and now here I am having to just drop it. I feel like such a loser.

Carl kept reassuring me that everything would be okay. But how do I communicate to him this vast disappointment I have in myself...that I let my parents down... that I've let my child down. I can't seem to do anything right these days. Just when I seem to be on my feet, something else comes along and knocks me back to the erroneous thought that I can't possibly handle this...can't take care of myself how can I expect to take care of my child?

I've had two failed marriages...that I walked away from. How do I communicate my fear to Carl that I'm afraid of disappointing him as well?

He is the one thing I feel certain of in my crazy, mixed-up life right now. With him I am calm and relaxed and at peace. With myself...when I"m alone... I am my own worst enemy. Just one more thing to work through I guess. Questions questions questions

kellbelle at 11:22 a.m.

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