2004-10-20

A Chat With The Canadian

I had a little chat with the Canadian last night. I should have just gone offline when I saw him come on, but I was in invisible mode and I didn't think he could see me. He started chatting to me like I was there, so I answered.

His first question should have tipped me off about what he wanted. "What are you wearing?" HAHA Not funny. I blew it off and asked about his kids, he asked about mine. I think he was just horny waiting for phone sex as he kept trying to turn the subject to things I'm "good" at (meaning sex).

I was fine until he asked me "It's okay if I talked to you, isn't it?" I said that it was, but quickly realized it wasn't really okay. I started hurting. I'm not sure why it hurts, or maybe I do. I believed in him...in us. We had, what I thought, was such a great relationship. And it was so romantic with him there and me here...all we had was time to talk and laugh and love over all those miles. We hardly ever fought or argued and if we did it was because he said or did something to make me feel insecure. At times I think he enjoyed that power over me.

Carl came online about the time I started feeling hurt. I didn't say much to him, but he didn't really seem to notice. I told the both of them goodnight and before going to bed I took the dog out for a walk. The stars were all out and the moon was so bright and I cried wondering why it still hurts.

Carl is real. He is sincere, honest, sweet, romantic, loving, patient, kind and everything I have ever wanted in someone. In fact, for the first time in my life, someone loves me as much as I love them. That's a new one for me. I guess the pain goes to my own personal theory that I never really stop loving anyone. You can not like someone very much and still love them even if it's just a little.

kellbelle at 1:02 p.m.

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