2005-01-27
Entry #2 for Today
I love computers. I love being able to express myself as quickly as my fingers can type out what my brain says. But I have to admit I do miss writing letters. REAL letters. Not just typing up a note and printing it out and sticking it in an envelope. It�s too easy to type things and then hit �send�. Letters take thought and heart and they really exercise a part of my brain that I don�t think quick expression can always get out on the computer. When I write I am more careful with my words. I also seem to become more self aware of how I really feel about things. Sometimes when I put entries in my diary here online, they seem so inane and pointless. Was I really writing about something I care about? Or do I just tend to rant? Sometimes heartfelt entries get put in there. Sometimes I�m moved to say what I really feel instead of gliding over the surface with humor or cynicism. But for the most part I feel very unintelligent � uninteresting.
I�ve never really felt �normal� in the sense that I was like others around me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I�m not normal! Heh I love to make others laugh, or feel, or see things in a way they have never seen them before.
Last night I was helping Aubrey with a writing exercise. She really struggles with these assignments. They are required to write a story without dialogue and it has to take place within the span of a single day. This week she was to write about something fun that she does with family, so she chose to write about Christmas. She came to me in tears because she was stuck and she had �messed up� and was going to have to rewrite the whole assignment. The problem was that it was almost bedtime, she had a test all day at school the next day and she had quite a bit to write. I shouldn�t have done this, but I took what she had already written and entered it on the computer. I embellished her story and added simple details like �Mimi always gets me clothes that just aren�t my style� and �aunt Lisa always gets me really cool clothes that I love to wear to school.� So then she started over on a new piece of paper and rewrote the story. We got most of it done before bedtime and she got up early this morning to finish it up. Did she learn anything by me helping her? I hope so. I wanted to show her that adding details really isn�t that difficult, but part of me really thought I should have let her not finish it so she would be better prepared the next time. I�m really hoping that I made the right choice by helping her. I didn�t do all the work for her, I just added a little to what she already had. Heh Can you tell I feel guilty about helping to that extent?
Anyway, her writing exercise made me remember how much I used to love writing in school. I loved essays, I loved essay questions on tests. I loved doing reports on people and places and events. The thing is that I am not that creative on my own. They were assigned projects and I was always told what to write about. I guess as I got older and as I was given more and more freedom, I lacked the creativity to seek out new things to write about and I let my writing slide. Again, I guess I don�t feel very intelligent. That�s not saying that I�m NOT intelligent, I just don�t always feel informed enough to talk about politics or current events. It�s not that I don�t care. I just don�t want to embarrass myself! LOL
My big bonus check has not yet shown up in my checking account, but the word is that it will be there tomorrow. That�s a good thing because I was planning on buying my wedding dress this weekend! LOL I also have to pay a car payment, pay my rent, pay for Aubrey�s after school care, pay for the wedding cake, order the invitations, pay some of the flowers� blah!!! I also wanted to get Aubrey and X-box. She has been working so hard on her school work. I was so pleased last night looking through all of her returned homework and found NO failing math assignments. You have no idea how happy that made me. She struggles so hard with math. She�s been wanting a game system for her room since she took the other one to her dad�s house and since Carl and I are always on the PS2. Hehe Does anyone out there have an Xbox? Or should I just get another PS2? Hmmm
Well, this went a lot longer than I had planned, but that�s what thinking too much will do for you. I hope everyone is having a great day� and thanks for reading my internal babble.
kellbelle at 12:21 p.m.
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