2005-05-06

I do not have cold feet

Thanks for all the nice notes and words yesterday. I really don�t know what has been going through my head lately. I was partly upset yesterday because at least six times people asked me if I am having cold feet yet. I guess they think that since I have been married before that I must be having second thoughts or something. I most certainly am not having second thoughts. I am however getting nervous. Carl didn�t help matters last night. Once again he�s forgotten something important. This time he forgot that we�re going to Austin this weekend. I said to him last night �Are you going to be ready to go to Austin tomorrow after we drop Aubrey off with her dad?� �What?????� Oh great. So I�m already feeling bad and now I feel worse. It would be one thing if he were forgetting about silly shit, or stuff that didn�t really matter, but he seems to be forgetting important things and things that he relies on ME to tell him. It leaves me feeling very unimportant and that he�s not taking this stuff seriously. I got kind of mad and told him to call his sister and tell her that we wouldn�t be there until Saturday morning, but he insists that leaving tonight is fine. We�ll see when I get home.

I am scared. I worry about messing up another marriage, another relationship, another human being. I worry about my kid. I worry about lots of things almost all of the time. I�m always telling people how much better it is to let the feelings out than to keep them inside. I should follow my own advice once and a while. I�m not unhappy really, just nervous and a little scared. I take this stuff very seriously. This is the LAST time that I�m getting married. I�m just starting to feel the pressure and I guess I�m freaking because I feel like I�m doing all this stuff myself. Carl forgetting the few things I ask of him doesn�t help.

I feel a lot better today. I had to sleep with an ice pack last night since my head hurt so bad from being upset. I actually had enough energy to get up early today. I still have a few things to pull together before we go to Austin, but that shouldn�t take me too long. I didn�t bring my lunch on purpose today as I want to get out of the office. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous and the highs are supposed to be in the 80�s today. Mostly I�m just glad that it�s Friday. Even thought the weeks are flying by, I will always be glad when the weekend arrives. Work is just drudgery lately. That is partly due to the fact that I have no more vacation time left from the wedding and honeymoon. Next year, however, I will have three weeks vacation, so that will be nice.

Okay� well I guess I�d better get after the day. I�ve only been here and hour and it feels like it should be lunchtime already. See you on Monday.

kellbelle at 9:32 a.m.

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