2005-06-11

Funeral Tomorrow

We're headed off to the lake today to see Carl's mom. We're trying to surround Aubrey with family. She does not want to go to the visitation tonight. That's a relief to me... it would be really weird being with all of his family like that, but I would have if she wanted to go. I found out this morning that it's open casket at the funeral, so she may not have any choice in having to see him or not. I warned her... I tried to make it as un-scary as possible. I just told her simply that I thought it's better for her to have memories of him alive and happy than of him just laying there and everyone being sad. I hope that's the right thing to say.

We are going to the funeral tomorrow afternoon and I've taken off work on Monday and Tuesday to be with her. I was complaining about wanting time off before getting married... proof once again to be careful what you wish for.

She's really doing good, though. Last night was hard because the guilt questions started in and at one point she even said to me "I'm sorry if I'm ever any trouble." I broke down. I was so angry and upset with her dad at that point. How nice for your child to remember you with thoughs of guilt and wondering if she was a burden, huh?

That's another reason I don't want to go to the visitation. I can't think of nice things to say about the man. He was selfish. He was all about mental anguish and cruelty. He broke my baby's heart. I hope in time I can forgive him.

Aubrey slept with us last night, but I just could not sleep. My mind was racing about all these things with the wedding and about all the things I have to do to make sure Aubrey is taken care of. Then I feel guilty that I'm not grieving. And then I picture him and think about how scared and alone he must have felt to do something like this. I know the next few days are going to be a rollercoaster... I was already on one from the wedding... nothing like two for one huh?

Aubrey wants to go over to the house, but first I have to find a cleanup crew that does hazardous sites. I told his sister I could do that much for them.

Well it's about time to hit the road. Thank you for your continued support and kindness. It helps so much. I will probably update Sunday night when we get back or on Monday. I love you guys.

kellbelle at 10:44 a.m.

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