2005-06-22

Hump Day

I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. My mind is stuck in patterns of circular thought (just ask Chou Chou) and I can't seem to get a grip on what I'm supposed to be doing. I do NOT want to be here at the office, but I could escape into the vast pile of work that has accumulated here on my desk. I'm just not sure I will do any of it correctly.

What would I be doing if I were home today? I have no idea. Probably sleeping ... a LOT. I had the strangest dreams last night... and had a few disappointing calls last night from people that can't make the wedding. I now will have exactly five people on my side there at the wedding (not counting people in the wedding party). If I want to count people that both Carl and I know, there will be six. It shouldn't make a difference but I have to admit that it made me cry. This isn't meant to make anyone who can't come feel bad. I'm just trying to get it out now so I don't sit here dwelling on it all day long. I know that things happen, and after the whole mess with Aubrey's dad, I don't hold any ill will towards anyone who can't come. I know shit happens.

Speaking of Aubrey's dad, his work sent me a check for all his vacation time and stuff. I can't cash it because it's made out to him and I'm not sure how to deposit it as he used an internet bank and I have no idea what his account number is or anything. I will have to turn it over to the lawyer or his sister I guess. I will let them deal with it. I feel today as if I am not able to deal with very much.

Gary's death hit me a little last night. I saw his dead body in the casket, and yet it still all feels like a really bad joke or a dream or something. I feel at times I just want to cry and cry and then I wonder what the hell is wrong because I'm getting married in three days. I'm so ready to get married, but it seems I'm plagued by all these thoughts about the ex and sometimes it's really disturbing. I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about right now. lol Don't mind me... I'm a mess.

I forgot to take my meds this morning too, so that's probably another reason I'm all messed up. I'm going to go and find a blunt object to bang my head into a few times and try to get some work done. Wish me luck on that one... I need it.

kellbelle at 8:42 a.m.

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