2006-02-13

At least that's what I keep telling myself

It was kind of a weird day yesterday. It's funny sometimes how things you haven't thought of in a long time suddenly jump out at you and hit you like a ton of bricks.

We went to the new church yesterday and the kids' sermon was particularly moving. The verse they were supposed to memorize was "Jesus cried". Yeah... simple. The kids chuckled while the story unfolded about how Jesus was just like you and I. He laughed and he cried. I wonder sometimes if he cried a lot the way the state of the world was. It wasn't until the part where she said that when we cry, Jesus feels our pain and he cries with us and reaches out to us. I got a tremendous lump in my throat and my eyes immediately filled with tears.

Why would this move me in this way? Images of my ex started coming to mind and I realize I'm still grieving in my own off again/on again way. I came across this picture yesterday and it was all I could do to keep my mind on studying.

This is the picture I took before Aubrey went to church camp... the week he took his own life. It was the last time she ever saw him. Should I invest such great emotional value in a photograph? Maybe because it was the last time *I* saw him, too. Sometimes I really don't understand why I feel so sad, and other days I try not to question it at all. It just those days that hit you out of the blue, that knock the breath out of your stomach, that make you feel like it just happened yesterday. Those are the days that I just want to cry.

I really don't want to go to class today, but I will. I benefit way more from sitting in class than I ever do sitting at home trying to study. Immersion works. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

kellbelle at 8:04 a.m.

previous | next