2006-03-21

I think it's time

There are some days when I really feel like one messed up individual. I feel loneliness when I shouldn't. I feel sadness when I shouldn't. I feel all these things that I want to somehow put into words so they stop following me around all the time. My life is good and full of happiness. I have lots to be thankful for. I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. So why the feelings of inadequacy? I�m doing great in school� yet I feel like a loser and feel very unintelligent most days. Don�t give me the line of �Don�t sell yourself short�. I don�t know why these feelings hang on despite my effort to improve things. There are still holes, empty spaces to fill. I can�t put my finger on the mood really.

I think I lack vision sometimes. I have a hard time seeing myself actually doing things. Back when I was in college the first time, I couldn�t see myself being a teacher of music, or an artist, or anything � I couldn�t see it and in my mind I could never be it. I never saw myself graduating� and I didn�t graduate. My life vision has improved. I�m with a man I can see myself as an old lady with. I can see myself with my daughter at her wedding. I can see things about my life� but not FOR my life. Does that make sense?

I see myself helping people� but I have no idea how. I don�t know if I have what it takes to make it through all I have to go through to be licensed to help people. It has nothing to do with my intelligence or dedication� I just have no earthly idea how I will do the things I really want to do. Serious self-blindness to my own destiny. I realize that most people are blind to destiny. But some people arrive at their dreams by luck, chance and being in the right place at the right time. Maybe I�m just hanging out in the wrong places?

Am I lazy??? Do I lack dedication??? What the hell am I doing? Am I having a midlife crisis? Am I still grieving? Have I even addressed all that I�m grieving about? I�m not just talking about the ex-husband here. Are there things I haven�t identified that still hurt me on a daily basis? The questions are mind boggling and the emotions some days just leave me tired and not wanting to think.

I think deep down I�m just scared and a little anxious. Ask me why and I�ll tell you I don�t know because I have little to complain about. Therapy is calling me. It�s just so hard to start over with someone new� having to readdress old issues� it sucks. But I think it�s time.

kellbelle at 1:54 p.m.

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