2006-07-15

Midnight Rambles

I went to bed at 10:30, but awoke (or rather finally got up from failure to lose consciousness) at 12:15 with a back ache. Carl's Father's day/anniversary present came the other day so I spent about 15 minutes in the Shiatsu mode. It is a wonderful life saving machine. Unfortunately, now the blood is flowing and I'm not really sure I'm tired anymore.

Had a good conversation today with my friend Terri She helps me address things sometimes that I can't always talk about here. I tend to make myself feel guilty for thoughts and feelings and she is kind enough to reassure me that I'm human and yet still worth having around. Thank you Terri.

I'm thinking (again) about going back into counseling. Now that I dropped my class I can't really contact student life anymore about my free counseling counseling paid for with my tuition. I can, however, look into it for the fall. Until then I may choose to just keep dealing as I have been. I suppose that isn't the best plan, but it's worked for me this long. I'm still functional with maybe only feeling sad one or two days a month. Perhaps it really is just the hormones.

I'm really wondering if it isn't grief counseling I need. Or instruction on how to deal with the dead ex's family. I got an email a while back saying that they would "love" to see Aubrey this weekend. I wrote them back and told them it was fine and I haven't heard a word from them since. Do we sit around the house waiting on them?? And what if they don't show?? I really just want to call her and tell her to forget it, but I never seem brave enough to say those kinds of words even to the likes of them. They, afterall, are only human too.

I have been having many dreams about the ex in which he tells me that he wants Aubrey to come live with him. I know he's dead and I tell him no, but he persists. I would really like him to just go away. I know that he never really will. I will always see him in my daughter's face. She has his eyes that turn down on the outside like a Precious Moments doll. I want to forget. I want him to leave me alone. I want it all behind me. But his family will always be there. Those eyes will always be looking at me. And that pain will always be lurking just beneath the surface.

Maybe I can go to bed now. My back has stopped hurting and if I hurry I can fall asleep before my heart starts to hurt.

kellbelle at 12:39 a.m.

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